Some of the hardest lessons to learn are the lessons of the world. Kids especially believe in a sense of fairness and the world is more starkly drawn in lines of "right" and "wrong." Children often grow up sheltered from some of life's harsher realities.
A neighborhood friend came over the other day to play with Toby. I was surprised to find them in Toby's room counting Toby's piggy bank money (savings). Toby later told me that Friend had asked how much money Toby had and after the counting commenced, said "Can I have some?"
Later that night, Jonah could not find his wallet, which had been sitting on top of his dresser. Disclaimer: both our boys are very careless with their things and tend to misplace things often. So our initial reaction was, "again you've 'lost' something?"
However, after a thorough inspection of Jonah's room, I started to have suspicions. A quick perusal of Toby's desk top where his wallet had last been seen yielded nothing: Toby's AND Jonah's wallets were both missing.
Ken and I both looked in every dresser- and desk drawer with no luck. I remembered seeing Jonah's wallet on his dresser the day before, and Toby saw his wallet on his desk that day.
Was is coincidence that two wallets went missing on the same day that Friend was here? About 6 weeks ago, a $20 bill (also Jonah's) disappeared from the kitchen counter on a day that several neighborhood kids were here. I had suspected that someone pocketed the $20 that day, but because Jonah is careless with belongings and because so many kids were in and out, I couldn't very well accuse anyone.
A quick assessment of the contents of their wallets:
- Each of them had a $25 gift card to GameStop.
- Toby had a $25 gift card to Target, a reward from Grandma and Grandpa Cook for giving up thumb-sucking.
- Jonah's wallet contained his library card and his GameStop membership rewards card.
- Each of them had some loose change and a couple of dollars.
We outlined the situation: Friend was here. Friend asked for money. Wallets went missing.
Toby was in tears: "Friend stole my wallet!" Jonah was angry. Ken and I felt sick.
We talked about what we could do. Ken and I both felt strongly that it was important to at least try to talk to Friend (and parents). This is a task which would be much easier if we actually knew said parents. We prepared the boys for the probability that Friend would NOT own up to taking their wallets. We prepared ourselves for any number of scenarios.
The next day, we walked down to Friend's house with the intention of speaking to Friend and a parent. Ushered into a dark living room lined with assorted gawking family members, we met a mother obviously overwhelmed with far greater issues than what her 10-year old son is doing.
Friend denied everything. The mom was sympathetic to our boys' loss, but was not open to our thinly veiled accusation (and what did we really expect after all?!) She said her #1 rule is "no stealing" and suggested that Friend come back home with us and help the boys look for their wallets.
That turned out to be a blessing because after a big show of helping look for the wallets -- "what did they look like again?" -- we were able to address Friend face to face. We told him that this sequence of events does not look good for him. We pointed out the danger and risks involved in stealing. Friend maintained his denial. We said Goodbye.
There is no doubt in either Jonah's or Toby's mind that Friend not only took their wallets but also lied about it.
Lessons we think we learned:
- In the face of strong evidence, it is ok to assert ourselves and ask the person who wronged us to "man up."
- We have no control over others. We can hope someone will do the "right" thing but have to accept his denial.
- There are worse things than losing money.
- Be careful not to leave valuables lying around.
- It is ok to feel angry about what happened.
One lesson that I am sad the boys had to learn is that sometimes people do the wrong thing. When called on a lie, it is easy to deny any wrongdoing. Ken and I have talked much in the past few days about how we see lying and cover-ups (by adults!) played out in the news all too often. And yet . . . this is a hard lesson to watch one's children learn.
Parenting is bungled with the best of intentions, and there are lessons I hope we did not teach the boys:
- I hope the boys realize how much evidence it took for us to believe Friend stole their wallets. I hope we didn't inadvertantly teach them to go around making accusations.
- Of course, I don't want them to believe based on this experience that there are no consequences for lying.
- Most of all, I hope the boys will continue to approach friends with trust and openness. Toby and Jonah are both generous and open and I hope this will not change.
Ken is fairly certain that Santa will bring new wallets for Jonah and Toby for Christmas. Perhaps Santa will bring us all a renewed sense of faith and trust in the world around us.
